For me

I was pregnant yesterday.

My sweet babies are starting a trend of letting me know at 4:30 in the morning that they are done living in mommy.  I wish that I could have told this one that it wasn't time yet.

The morning was the worst.  A scared husband and toddler with a hysterical mom.  I have an amazing mother in law who came and brought our sweet girl back home.  I had an amazing nurse who tried to keep me as comfortable as possible, but there was so much blood and fear.  

I truly can not explain the pain in my heart every time that a clot would pass and I would wonder if that was actually my baby. It makes me both sad and scared, the realization that there is no "safety point".  That extra week didn't change the outcome for us this time.

My sisters, Katie and Tracy, came and so did Marili Potts in proxy for my mother who had to worry from afar.  We got to go home after a few hours.

We came home and I tried to eat breakfast, drink some juice and snuggle Sienna.  I remember telling Tracy to take my breakfast sandwich from me and then people yelling my name, water splashing on my face and the beyond look of panic on my sweet husband's face...then lots of firefighters.  I had become unresponsive for 10-15 seconds.  Nick had called 911.  I told them I was feeling better and didn't need them to take me to the hospital.  I tried to sit up a little bit later, but I couldn't with out feeling faint.  Nick called the hospital.  They told us to come back.

 I didn't want to.  I wanted to crawl in bed, but I looked at the fear in Nick's eyes and let him help me to the car.  They tried to hook me up to an IV...multiple times.  They called an IV Therapist who used an ultrasound machine to try and see a vein, she was unsuccessful as well.  After being poked at least 8 times they were successful with a baby needle in my hand.  I remember being so exhausted, but I didn't want to sleep.  I wanted to hear everything and be present in what was happening.  I wanted Nick to know that I was okay and he didn't need to worry.  I wasn't okay and he worried anyway. 

We waited a lot, they pumped me full of fluids, and did another ultrasound that seemed to take forever.  They took tests and talked about scary things like blood transfusions because I'd lost so much blood and a possible IV in my neck to get in a bigger line.  Luckily, neither of those things had to happen.  A friend came to visit and her husband and Nick gave me a blessing.  Nick and I cried a lot.  He never left me for more than two minutes.  I shared with him that I felt like Heavenly Father had been preparing me for this.  

I had a feeling on Monday, just a feeling, that this pregnancy wasn't going to last.  I hadn't been able to figure out our insurance quickly and because of that I hadn't seen or heard this baby yet. I think had I been able to make that connection my heart wouldn't have been able to stand this loss. 

Heavenly Father sent me the best nurse ever that afternoon.  She reminded me so much of my sister Andi.  Short, blond, sassy ER nurse with her hair pulled back.  She was raised LDS, but wasn't practicing anymore.  She even had a similar relationship background and she called me "hun" a lot.  She brought me cake for after I got to go home.  Nick hugged her when her shift was over.  She made all the waiting bearable.

The doctor came in and told me the ultrasound showed that my body was still holding on to some things and I would need a procedure to clean everything out.  Katie came back to be with Nick while I had my procedure done.  I was nervous.  Nick was a wonderful, tragic mess.  After recovery I got to come home, finally.

Physically, I'm okay.  Nick asks me how I am every five seconds and I assure him that I'm okay.  He keeps telling me that I'm not allowed to scare him like that again.  I promise him that I'll do my very best.

Most of the time I can put on a brave face but little things hit me like a car.  I'm so sad and know that I have to mourn.  I know that it's no ones fault.  I know nothing I did could have changed anything.  I know my Heavenly Father knows me.  I know that I am loved by so many people, especially my husband who proved this to me every second of  yesterday and today. 

 I know that I don't want to forget what happened. I know that I want to remember all of my babies and their stories, even if they end before they get to begin. So this post is for me.  So that I can remember the pain, sadness, and love that I felt that day.